A National Treasure...

Ahh where to begin!  First let me say that I don't dislike Nicholas Cage...  I dislike his last 15 movie choices but I dont dislike the guy..  So I read he got into a quarrel with his wife down in New Orleans and personally I think to much was made of it, some onlooker felt the need to play a hero and called the cops for nothing.  How do I know it was nothing?  I don't but seeing how she wasn't bruised anywhere, refused to press charges and was a former waitress til she pumped out Nick's kid.  Im gonna go out on a limb and say it was just another man and wife having a little lover's spat. 

If you're going to indict Nick Cage and bring him up on charges I suggest you book him on the following..

Exhibit: A your honor..


From the ridiculous script to the really bad hair piece, this movie was trash.  I know of one person who actually liked this movie and its my friends wife.. Sorry Sammy..  Only good thing about this flick was the nicely tanned Eva Mendez..


I went in KNOWING this movie was gonna suck but I dont think its fair for me to fully criticize something I haven't seen or heard so I put myself through it.  Usually movies of this nature put the audience through the torment of world anniliation only to redeem us all in the end with some off the wall sacrifice that gives all of humanity another chance..  NOPE! We all die in this one and a hand full of wacko children are saved and dumped on some other planet with an Adam and Eve metaphoric tree of life ending..  There, I just saved you two hours of your life..  You're welcome.


Ok show of hands, Who didnt DRIVE ANGRY all the way back home after this one??  Anyone?  Anyone?  Its pretty cool how all these bad movies and their titles lead into really easy one liners for me ain't it?


Ok... I can't say anything quick without getting pornographic but you get the picture.  Not only is this movie about an assassin with a set of rules (I know, never been done before right?  Can't believe Jason Statham didnt get this role.)  But also it has the most ignorant name you can give a movie.  If there were to be a sequel what would you call it?  Tokyo Serious?  Moscow Hideous?  Los Angeles Hazardous?  I rest my case.



I know these movie's are clever and make lots of money and I recently read that NT3 is underway but COME ON!  How much shit could Ben Franklin and the rest of our sneaky fore fathers hide from us for centuries???  What's the tagline for this one gonna be?  National Treasure 3: The search for more money..



Again, another bad toupee and an awful script..  I don't think Disney even tries anymore.  They are running out of cartoon fairy tale characters to ruin so now they've moved on to live action abominations like this gem.



Now here's what I think happened, the studios saw the success of these films above and banked on similiar returns.  WRONG.. I break it down for you Hollywood in order.  Gone in 60 seconds was carried by the Cars.  Pure and simple, much like the fast and furious movies that film was all about the cars.  Face Off was more Travolta then anything, remember it was during his late 90s comeback spree when his popularity was at an all time high.  Cage just went along for the ride.  Same thing with The Rock, that was all Connery and Michael Bay and his loud explosions and gripping story... heh.. 

Call me a softy but my all time favorite Nick Cage movie is..



I used to ride my bike down a rural mountain road with my eyes closed and arms out stretched reaching for the sun all the time til I saw this movie.. Probably saved my life!  Thanks Meg Ryan!

Im comin' with ya dad!!!

     Now first off let me just say that my father is very much alive and so is my mother.  I was just taking the time to think about that today and thinking about people I know that have passed on.  Then it hit me!  Whats my headstone gonna look like?  What few words of enlightenment will be cast upon that marble slab.  I mean I hope its Marble, those are nice.  So call it morbid curiousity that I went out on the net and tried to find a picture of said headstone..



Ok so here's one of the few I found, at first I said I love my father dearly but do I wanna be placed side by side with him in the hereafter?  I mean what if I can't find the remote or his favorite spoon?  I gotta listen to him gripe at me throughout eternity??  No thanks.

Then I dug deeper, no pun intended and I found..



Not sure how I like this, the whole picture thing.  Im picky about that sorta stuff and what if I dont like said picture, can I object at this point?  No, I have to leave it in the hands of my surviving family whom I trust.. Sort of.

Nah I need something simpler but bold..  So I found..



Clear, concise, to the point!  I even like the Font, its got a real Times Roman feel to it and thats always been my favorite, none of that Italic shit.  Still its not quite perfect and Im real picky.  So I checked around some more.

Ok.. Let me say this.


If my family springs for this and this alone Im haunting someone's house til the day they die!  I mean really?  Talk about forgettable.

Now this is more like it!



I prefer these because they obviously stand the test of time longer, they dont get caught up in overgrowing grass or weeds like place markers do.  Not sure about the green lithograph in the middle but Ehhh to each his own.

Ive got plenty of time to think about this but for now I think Ill just stick to my original plan..  Just slap me into one of these and call it a day..



:)

Ok, its Twilight but for Werewolves.. Got It!

Who doesnt remember the 1985 classic Teen Wolf??  It was pretty much a staple of your childhood memory if youre a child of the 80s like me.  A quirky family comedy of a boy who discovers that he sucks at basketball (Had nothing to do with him being 5'6 and white) and he doesnt exactly run high on the popular scale at school.  Stiles ,his best friend is a fast talking con artist of sorts and his other pal is a normal run of the mill girl who secretly loves him but waits til he hooks up with someone else to start showing signs of attraction.  In other words, the girl thing..



Ok so apparently he hits puberty and BAM!  He's a hairy Michael Jordan!


So now, 26 years later MTV running out of ideas because there's only so many teenage mom's and obese teenagers they can exploit has now come up with the plan to create a werewolf teen drama and call it Teen Wolf.  Now at first I thought it was just a coincidence but after reading the premise and the character names, they are in fact going off of the 1985 movie.



Ok so instead of basketball they have chosen Lacrosse, yeah cause thats a popular sport the kids will relate to.  Personally I can't wait for the scene where he's getting pummeled and underneath the dogpile he turns into the wolf and comes out with the ball..  While everyone gasps and scratches there head and lets out the proverbial 'WTF?' he will then decide to take the ball and run down the field and score right???  Thus making everyone feel ok with his lycanthropy and move on to focusing on the game..  Right?  Thats gonna happen..




Ladies and gentlemen what does this look like to you??  For christ sake be real!  Its Twilight for werewolves.  Just call it Moonlight..  Or First Bite.  (Credit to my boy Sam on that one...)  Its going to be dark, brooding and appeal to the EMO generation.  You know, the chicks with the pale faces and black lipstick and the dead kennedy's shirts and the guys who wear their sisters pants and steal their mothers eyeliner..  Can't wait for this!

Personally im curious to know if the dad is gonna be as heartwarming as the original..



Until I see something else that tickles me..  Later!

Ford Tough? Like a Rock? I think not...

Toyota is leavin' every other truck company in the dust.. Literally!  Can you say BATTLE TESTED, LIBYAN APPROVED??  I mean really people, every time I see a 50mm cannon being fired in the back of a truck by a Libyan freedom fighter its in a Toyota!  Now my thought is, are the Toyota board members fist pounding or are they clutching their foreheads??



I mean on the one hand, youve got your competitors showing off their vehicles in the wilderness, traveling through shallow rivers and rocky terrain.  Then on Toyota's side youve got Libyan rebels mounting their machine turrets in the back of a mid 80s model.  What does that say?  To me that says "Our shit was built to last suckas!"  Battle tested SON!


I suppose on the other side you could say you dont want your product associated with what's going on over there but its like they say, theres no such thing as bad publicity.



I like Toyota's slogan though, its fitting.  "Moving Forward.."  Yeah, TO VICTORY! 




Omg they found me, I dont know how but they found me.. Run for it Marty!!!

Who!?

Who da think??  THE LIBYANS!

Its Oscar night!!!

Well its that time of year again where we the little people get told what movies are the best and who's performance's were worthy of gold statue glory!  I for one watch every year just to get tips on what obscure movies to put in my netflix queue for rainy day material.  I mean really, I dont know anyone who's seen 'The King's Speech.'  Ya ever notice theres always that one movie from the UK with an all UK cast directed by some dude from the UK that gets rave reviews but no one here in America can tell ya jack shit about it?  God Save the Queen!  Don't get me started...  Other than that this year is filled with quite a few actual WATCHABLE movies.  True Grit, Inception, Toy Story 3... etc.. Although Id like to say there is a glaring snub in the best supporting role area.  That Blackberry phone from BURIED with Ryan Reynolds definately should of been nominated.  I mean, it got reception six feet underground and the fact that he was on the phone, texting and uploading video to Youtube all inside a wooden box buried in Iraq somewhere while being buried is amazing.  Thats acting at its finest.  Long story, I watched it this weekend and was shocked that it was 90 minutes of this guy in a box.  No flashbacks, no breakaways to other characters elsewhere.  Nada.  Just him, buried with a blackberry.  Break out the jiffy pop folks!

Ill be honest, out of the 10 nominated best films, Ive seen two.  Inception and Social Network and that one was just recently.  I dunno, I think from all the hype and the fact that Natalie Portman is in it..  Black Swann will probably win.  Ive read enough Facebook postings and internet drivel to know that this movie struck home with a lot of people.  Its in my netflix queue so... yeah..  Best actor?  Again who knows?  Id like to say Jesse Eisenberg for his uncomfortable portrayal of super geek facebook god Mark Zuckerberg but my money is on Colin Firth from that UK movie no one has watched.  Maybe even Jeff Bridges again but I think his debacle that was Tron will cost him votes. 

Personally my favorite will be the Animated Feature film award.  Not because I care but because of the nominees.  Toy Story, How to train your dragon and some independent junk mail of a movie called The Illusionist.  You might as well have Toy Story up against some dude drawing stick figures using a flip book.  Its not even a contest.

My only problem I guess with tonight's show is the fact that James Franco and Anne Hathaway are hosting.  The academy cant find enough money to lure back Billy Crystal??  I suppose its better than Hugh Jackman last year.  I mean watching Wolverine sing and dance to show tunes made me cry inside.  It just wasnt right.  In conclusion I can honestly say that my favorite part of the award show is that 'In Memory' reel they do.  I like seeing who died and the fact that I can say "Never heard of em" to most of the recently departed. 

Ok, lets watch the run on speechs and the band strike up queing the winner to get the hell off the stage already..

Award shows..

I haven't watched the Grammy's in EVER because well... I usually dont care.  Its always the same people with the usual outcomes and last night did not alter my feelings on that.  Ill just throw out a couple thoughts.  Lady Gaga once again, over the top with some kind of 'Message' in her arrival and her performance.  Ok, Im gonna show up in an egg being carried by odd looking costumed dancers.  Thumbs up!  Then Im gonna sing about "Being born this way."  Ok we get it, your mother dropped you on your head as an infant.  Move on.  So last year was a meat dress and this year an Egg.  Next year shes showing up dressed as Porky Pig, book it!  Shes going down the protein costume line.

Ill be brief on the Bob Dylan performance, if not for the surrounding bands performing with him would you of understood a word he said?  That was just nonsensical noise from a guy thats about two decades past his prime.

Ill just touch base on two of the top award winners and wrap this up.  Album of the year winner 'Arcade Fire'.  Know nothing about these guys and have never heard a single track.  I go on facebook last night and I see a high school buddy (Thanks Sevag) mention that he walked out of their concert in NY.  That was enough for me.  Who votes for the winner?  Oh and here's my favorite...  Best new artist.  Esperanza Spalding....  Ok, Ill admit her name is beautiful.  Sounds like a Spanish basketball brand.  Other than that who's this chick?  She was up against Justin Bieber and Drake to name a few and won??  After she won I see later on shes on the stage with some Youth Jazz Band while some guy is talking about the importance of Musical programs in schools around the country which is fine.  So she's next to him with one of those gigantic bass things plucking away and singing scat.  So Im like, ooooooooooooooooooh thats why she won.  Shes so deep with her bass and shoobidy doo bop bop shoo bop bop that how could she not be the best new artist around???

Cee Lo came out dressed like a peacock surrounded by the Muppets on crack and dueted with Gwyneth Paltrow on that 'FORGET YOU' song.  Why is Gwyneth singing?  I understand shes married to the singer from Coldplay but do you see him running out starring in Shallow Hal part 2??  Which they should green light btw.  The story could be Rosie has the surgery (gastric bypass) and how Hal reacts to it.  Two thumbs up!  Ok ok let me get back on track.

Ultimately I went to sleep after Katy Perry performed so I missed out on best Latin album of the year.  Dammit!  Please tell me Menudo won!!

Hollywood hitting CNRL-ALT-DELETE

I suppose there are so many stories Hollywood producers can come up with and eventually 'Green Light'.  It seems we are getting slammed with REBOOT's of existing movie titles we already know and love.  Im going to examine a few and point out some could be good and some are just mistakes waiting to happen.

Arthur- Personally this is one of my favorite movie's from the 80's.  Dudley Moore was amazingly funny in this role and the movie just has so many one liners that I can say in all honesty, my father and I still go back and forth with lines from this gem.  Currently Russell Brand is set to star and redo this movie.  I am on the fence on this one only because I actually like Brand and his movies have no dissappointed me.  The heavy UK accent, the off the wall comments that he clearly adlibs.  I think he can do this but we shall see.

Conan the Barbarian..  OK my brother and I will more than likely go see this only to come out of the theatre hating it.  It wont have the musical score neccesary, nor will it have AHNOLD!  From what Ive read it is attached to some dude that was in Baywatch... Baywatch??  This has fail written all over it and it bugs me because again, this is a franchise from the 80s that I love.  To Be Continued on that one folks.

The Crow.. 3 words.  DONT DO IT!  Leave the Brandon Lee saga alone.  Every Crow movie that followed the original sucked.  Just avoid it Hollywood!  If someone dies during its filming I may have to get another Tattoo.  Heh..

Ghostbusters, Im only ok with this if my hero Bill Murray is in it, if not I will utterly refuse to like this movie.  You cannot have a ghostbusters movie without DR. Peter Venkman!  "The next time someone asks you if you're a god say YES!!!"  Cinematic gold people!

Superman and Spiderman, ok both these movies are being done and Ive had talks with a buddy at work about this.  How do you reboot a franchise that was just rebooted???  I mean Superman Returns was done like 5 years ago and Spiderman?  They just finished trilogy didnt they?  So what does that mean?  Youre just gonna start over and retell the same story?  Do we as an audience wanna see a kid get bitten by a radioactive spider and discover powers all over again???????  Personally I think they should leave it alone for awhile.

Ok.. Mr. Vin Diesel.. Please sir.  Please stop living your life a quarter mile at a time and make some quality films!!  Im done with seeing this cat drive around in Rice Rockets avoiding cops with fancy driving and having Paul Walker by his side.  Dude, enough!  Get back to the Riddick Chronicles, lets explore that store some more.  Its original, its dark and its character has an anti-hero feel like no other.  Think about it.

Im just saying if we are gonna go backwards and use stories from the past, lets grab some quality scripts!  Lets leave the Teen Wolf and The Phantom (The 30s hero in the giant purple suit) where they are, in the DONE bin.  Lets reboot cult classics and do them right!  Mad Max, The Snake Plisken movies.  Something along those lines.  Lets give the whole Vampire thing a rest, I cant take it anymore. 

Nevermind, I read they are making Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer.  I quit.