Its a tale as old as time..

Hola everybody!  Hope your Christmas was filled with Peace, Love and Harmony.  What more could anyone want, right?  We had our usual festive Christmas morning at my parents, kids had a blast and got pretty much everything they wanted.  Im happy to say that my Little Furry Four Footed Brother Monte was with us for one more Xmas.  Its amazing to me how this dog has continued to clutch to life like he has, he's like the George Burns of Chihuahua's.. Mom says he's gonna go when he feels its time, I say its going to take an attack from Al Qaeda to take him out.  God Bless Him!  Anyways, Ive taken in a few movies since my last blog, some good, some really bad but all inbedded in my mind.  This one sticks out and must be seen!

She's Out of my League-  This movie has so many one liners that I cant get through them all without laughing my ass off.  "Is there an artist exemption for being full of shit?  YEAH its called being a rock star, look it up in the dictionary, its there.  Its right next to FUCK YOU!" 

All I can say is this movie is a little bit of Hangover and a little bit of American Pie. 

On to my next though, women are weird.  Ill leave out names but recently it was proclaimed in front of me and a few buddies by this woman, "IM SINGLE!"  So we ask her whats that all about cause we have known of a relationship she's been in for awhile.  She goes on to tell us, Oh Im still with so and so but he hasnt put a ring on my finger so I consider myself single..

Man, why didnt I think of that?  Does that actually work for guys?  Well yeah it sorta does, long as we dont tell the chick we're with but it always ends up badly and someone is booking a spot on Maury Povich and paternity tests follow and ya have to wait til after the commercial break to find out if "YOU ARE THE FATHER!"  No thanks...  Like I said, women are weird and they get away with murder... Relationship wise anyway.

Unfortunately my spouse is addicted to crap TV so Im forced to endure shows like Teen Mom and Cake Boss etc..  Anyway, this one episode she turns me on to has a Teen Mother that lives in our neighborhood.  Now ok, before I go any further, I am not a stalker!  I just have a thing where I have to know.  So I start taking notes on the house she lives in, car she drives, design of the front of the house, the fact that her garage has windows (which is rare), the schrubs, the trees and any other details that may lead to me seeing where she lives.  I put all these pieces together and take Trixi for a long ass walk.. Im pretty sure her mother and her have a different last name cause I couldnt find her in the White pages.  Im just saying.  I think it would be cool to just be walkin the dog and maybe come across her and say Hi.  To creepy? 

In closing, Id like to say I hope everyone has a happy and safe new year!  I intend on making 2011 an EPIC year! 

Ill make sure to let you guys know if I find Ashley, her mom Deb and if I see the baby Callie..  Heh...

To Be Continued!

Fail! Whats in your wallet??

We turn on the TV and we see commercials all the time right?  Well one that stands out is the Capital One commercials, the whole Viking theme and the constant "Whats in your wallet?!"  Well let me tell you what a sham this company is.  Im Xmas shopping yesterday and I know how much money I got on my card so I start firing up the plastic and boom, Denied, Declined!  Wait, What?  So I call, double check.  Got plenty of money on it.  Then I call customer support and I tell you what folks, If this idiot who said her name was Joanne (More like Babitha or Bala, dont ask I googled common indian names for girls) told me "Im so sorry to hear that Ill help you" one more time I was gonna choke somebody.  Dont you hate these scripts they read from?  Plus they are so condescending, she starts with the whole "Let me look at your limit" crap and I told her I know how much I got.  Fail!  So after I chew her out I say let me talk to the manager please, meanwhile everyone in the store is staring at me because Im not a quiet person when Im annoyed and hungry.  I was both, bad combo!  Anyway the manager starts saying :hey, you should have no problem charging what you want, your account is fine!"  Well thank you captain obvious, let me run the transaction again!  Failed again!  Theres nothing more frustrating then hearing the person on the other line saying, "I dont know what to tell you, it should go through, it must be a problem on their side."  Whats frustrating is I know what shes doing, shes trying to get me off the phone.  Finally I said to hell with it and just paid cash. 

I feel cheated, isnt Xmas about charging and racking up bills and all the joy that comes with it?  If I could ever find a nativity set that had a little baby credit card in the manger with all the shephard's looking over it, that'd be awesome. 

On a side note, I saw something strange this morning and just had to share.  I take my oldest daughter to school everyday Im off and we do breakfast.  So today at Mickey D's I notice they have a Xmas tree inside next to the registers which is cool, ya know.  Ronald McDonald gettin' down with the holidays.  Good Stuff.  What I couldnt and still dont understand is why behind the tree did they have a portrait of Barbara Streisand?  Its kind of a conflict isnt it?  I mean, shes Jewish.  Quite possibly the most famous Jew of our time next to Jerry Seinfeld.  I just thought it was odd, a picture of her behind a XMas tree.

If I go into a Jewelry store and there's a Menorah with a picture of George Bush behind it, Im running for my life.

Happy Holidays to all!

Random thoughts at its best..

Went to have lunch with my 8 year old today and I was running a little late so I was rushing.  So I get to the Wendy's and there's this lady in a minivan hanging out of the window with a piece of paper reading a slew of orders.  FML right?  So after shes done I pull up and I get the usual "Welcome to Wendy's can I take your order please?'  I rattle off what I need then I hear after I finish, "Hold on"  Then not thinking I fire off a tirade saying "Are you fucking serious?  What'd ya ask me what I wanted if you werent ready???"  Dammit, and I after I said I was like "Shit I know they heard that..."  Last thing ya ever wanna do is piss of people who handle your food.  He got on shortly after that and had me repeat my order and was apologetic but still..  After I got my kids food I said "Happy Holidays!!"  Think that made up for it??  Plus I sit down with Jazzy and she's eating and I go into some kind of zone, I cant explain it but I just start singing.  Dont ask.. So I caught myself singing Meatloaf's 'I would do anything for love, but I wont do that."  Right when I get to the 'Pray to the gods of sex and drugs and rock and roll' part I notice I have like 3 sets of parents staring at me.  Whatever..  :)

So after lunch got home and started flipping channels and I have this new cable channel called the Palladia channel.  Its pretty cool, they show live concerts and what not.  So I flip to it cause I notice Purple Rain is starting at 1pm so I cant miss out on that.  Anyway, I catch the end of the NKOTB concert.  Now remember this is a new channel and its in HD so the clarity is goooood!  Anyway, the concerts wrapping up and they are panning throughout the audience and I cant help but laugh.  Every broad that followed these clowns in the 80s was there.  Nevermind the fact these dudes are average at best when it comes to singing, Id say the overall HOTNESS of their female following has pretty much died out.  I mean damn!  One of the chicks looked like my kids cafeteria lady.  Nuff said!  Way to keep Hangin' tough boys!

Last but not least, before Purple Rain starts a Justin Beiber video comes on, I know right.  Turn in your man card David.  Call it morbid curiousity, that and my 3 year old loves this Baby song.  So shes singing along with it, Hell she even knows the damn Ludacris Rap part, I was like are you friggin' kidding me Jaedyn???  So Im watching this video with her and I dunno guys, I dont remember rolling with my boys to the bowling alley and breaking out in coordinated, choreographed dance to impress a bunch of chicks, is this how they do it now??  This is why I have trouble grasping today's pop culture.  You got 12 year olds pimping the likes of Kim Kardashian, singers wearing meat dresses to award shows and enough reality shows on TV where you cant tell Fiction and Non-Fiction apart anymore.

Now if youll excuse me, Im going to go purify myself in the water of Lake Minnetonka..

What questions you SHOULD NOT ask friends in front of your wife..

Last night ladies and gentlemen was fun!  A night out with some friends followed by drinks and poker at a buddy's house.  So as these nights go, people get a bunch of drinks in them and ya start talking about anything.  So I noticed my friend JP always comes to these poker parties without his significant other.  So being the idiot I am and not waiting for Cristina's smoke break.  I asked JP right in front of her, "JP how is it you get out all the time without your wife?  Tell me cause I really want to know."  Next thing you know, two laser beams are firing out of my wife's eyes and into my skull..  "Excuse me David???  Did you just ask him how he gets out without his wife??  Why do you want to know??"  Whole drive home I heard this..  I wanted to know ofcourse cause me, Id wanna spend as much time with my wife as possible and I couldnt fathom why JP was out without his lovely wife.  Enquiring minds wanted to know, I tried to explain this to my Cristina but there was no consoling her and the fact that she was craving Taco Bell and there was none to be found only added to my problems. 

So today, we are watching Private parts (The Howard Stern movie) and I told her this is what I should of done with my life, been a DJ and just talk about anything and everything regardless of the FCC.  My dedicated wife quickly responds, "I have no problem telling you that we would not be married if you had a job as a DJ."  Im puzzled, what would be wrong with me interviewing Porn stars, Musicians and other interesting people in this world?  I would simply be doing my job.  I think I missed my calling.

Well, have a good weekend and thanks JP!  Youve inspired me for greater things!

Skepticism

Today's blog is definately inspired by my father.  He sends me these daily quotes of inpiration and today's Helen Keller quote kinda got me thinking.  Did someone who was blind and deaf really fire off all these saying's of human perserverance?  I want to believe that someone who felt their way through life came up with all this but come on!!!  Really?  Ive watched the Miracle Worker, I dont buy it.  Anyone who smashes their food like that surely cant be capable of telling me
"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles." 

She came up with that how? 

This ranks up there with Us landing on the moon.  Nope, dont buy it.  Oswald being the lone gunman.  Yeah right!  It was a weather balloon not an alien space craft, Ok..  Taylor Hicks beating out Daughtry on Americal Idol, Do you follow me?

I think people believe to much of what they read.  Its not cause they're stupid its just cause we WANT TO believe.  All the violent and horrible news that we get spoon fed to us every day, we want to hear improbable things and have that shine some kind of hope on our dreary lives.  Personally I dont need it, I prefer the truth, good or bad.  Keep it real!  Find the humor in it, I know I do.

Til next time True Believers!

The Happiest and Scariest place on earth!!

Well boys and girls, the family and I are back from the Magic Kingdom!  It was truly an experience the kids will never forget and I know Ill never forget.  "Ill take 4 corn dogs please."  "That'll be 17 dollars please.."  Thats a true story, I sure did tell the kids to chew their corn dogs slowly.  Its also a different experience when you go with someone who has a scooter and a disabled pass, apparently you can just go to the front of the line.  Love ya Nana!  I told my mother we arent going back until she's using a walker or has a scooter of her own.  Heh..  Having been to both Disney's I found myself comparing the two, comparing the layouts and the rides and all the nuances.  My oldest daughter and I spent alot of time talking about the differences but the one thing we both agreed on is the prices sure are the same.  I bought myself anything but my usual Disney Beanie.  Everytime I go, i get a new one.  Its kind of a tradition.  Other than that the girls got the usual Disney bracelet junk and a few T-Shirts.  I have to say I miss the old Pirates of the Carribean.  This new one is all about Jack Sparrow and it doesnt have the same feel.  Seems more hollywood which I dont like.  Space mountain was still great but Im gonna say it, I sure was dissappointed that Captain EO and Star Tours are no longer there.  Sorry, I liked those two.  Sue me! 

Well dont let me leave out we did Universal!  Heaven forbid my Jordyn not experience the Harry Potter attraction!

Jordyn will tell you this was her favorite part of the day, after this she was like Ok Im good!  Universal is a little different from what I remember but then again its been about 25 years since Ive been to the Florida one.  Im pretty sure ive forever traumatized my youngest daughter due to all the scary boat rides.  Jaws, the Amazon boat ride, Pirates of the Caribbean..  By the time we got to Its a Small world I didnt know how she was gonna react.. Fortunately she loved it and the constant song of ITS A SMALL SMALL WORLD brought nothing but a big smile to her face.